Weapon of Choice

Dear Dazai,

I used to read until sunrise, a book in hand as my weapon of choice against the terrors that lurk in my subconscious. I no longer do that. My terrors manifested and make me too antsy, too panicked, to lose myself in a book.

I fidget.

   Squirm.

       Scratch.

All a desperate attempt to get my body to burn through that panicked energy. The one that grips me tight. Holds me close.
doesn’t ever let me go

 

I miss the nights when I would read. I miss the abandon that came with it. I miss the ability to turn off that little voice in the back of my head. The one that whispers those insidious thoughts.

failure

useless

a burden

a waste

Tonight I am purposefully trying to get back to that place. A place where I first met you. A place where I found comfort and welcoming.

Where I fell in love.

xx

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