Dear Dazai,

My house is messy. A remnant of before I left, too busy and too unconcerned to clean it. Also too lazy.

My plants have survived. My lemon tree still has flowers and my kitten has just stolen her toy from me. She walks proudly away with her prize, her fluffy britches on display as her tail sits highly in the air. Happy, she is, happy in her achievement. Happy to be home.

Not as much as my cat. He relaxes instantly as soon as we arrive home. He’s more affectionate, there’s more talking, more purring and an abundance of kitten kisses. There’s also more wakeups for food in the early hours of the morning, but I deal with that in exchange for him being more comfortable.

Still there’s an inordinate amount of clutter and I feel as though it needs to be cleaned for the sake of my psyche. I’m hoping for that sense of peace to return, that one from Japan, where everything has a place, and everthing is clean. Clean rooms, clean lines, clean decor. Clean food.

I suspect that no matter the effort I make, my house will never perfectly mirror that aesthetic, that I’m too much of a slave to entropy and sheer bone-idleness for my house to be that clean in any respect.

Still there is happiness here. Happiness to be back in my space. To be back to my home. It might make me anxious, it might make my kittens happy, but there’s a sense of peace here. A solitude that I miss.

So for tonight I shall relish that. Relish the space, sit down, write and drink water with yuzu in it. I’ll watch anime and listen to Miley Cyrus.

I’ll be me.

After all, that’s what we crave from our home. The lack of pretence, the absence of expectation and the quiet. Not actual quiet, but the quiet in your soul, the one that exhales when you walk in the door, where the lock isn’t working properly, where the floor needs mopping and the washing has piled up out of its basket.

It’s me.

One day, it might even be a better version of me.


P.S. There’s an announcement about a new project coming this Saturday and I’m ridiculously excited about it. So everyone should check back in to see what’s coming up!

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