Cool

Dear Dazai,

I never think that I’m cool.

I’m too concerned about what other people think to ever be cool in my mind. Every interaction I have I mull over for eons after it and I worry that the wrong word in the wrong sentence is something catastrophic. Syntax for me is serious business and I constantly worry about getting it wrong. I’m too enthusiastic or not enthusiastic enough, and there’s serious consequences if I inadvertently hurt someone.

Words linger. You can’t ever take them back.

So I worry.

And I overthink.

And occasionally, I panic.

Panic over how I am with other people. Panic over how I react to each person. Panic over the panic. I hurt a whole lot because of things that I think about, not because of the reality that I’m presented with.

Reality that I have some control over. I can choose to see the world in a certain way, I can focus on the negative or word hard to see the positive. Neither one is entirely instinctual but there is a leaning towards the negative.

An undercurrent, a whisper of ‘not quite good enough’.

It takes a concerted effort on my part to ignore it, to push past it and to realise that I’m more than that voice. That I can be more than that voice, because we’ve been together for so long, I can’t ignore it. We’re the same. I don’t know who I am when I’m without that voice.

Sure I can pretend that the voice isn’t there. I can pretend to be confident, to be informed, occasionally, I think I might even manage to be cool.

I don’t believe it though.

Not really.

I’m anxious because I’m afraid people will see through it. That those moments that I pretend will be seen as the fragile glass cases they are, easily destroyed and seen through.

I nearly cried today.

Not because of the fear. Of the anxiety. Of the fragile nature of my facade.

Because one of my friends told me that I was aiming too low with my anxiousness. That I was already more awesome and cool, than the expectations I felt I wasn’t meeting.

In her eyes, I was cool and more than I believe myself to be.

So tonight I shall ignore the voice and cling to her belief, because it’s important to see ourselves through others’ eyes occasionally. To see that we’re more than that voice. More than that worry.

To think that perhaps we might be cool.

xx

 

 

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