Anticipation

Dear Dazai,

There’s this sensation that runs through me when I have something to tell someone, when it’s positive, when I’m excited, and I sit, squeezing my shaking hands to still them, as I wait for the moment that I can tell them the news. I’m like that today.

I have news.

Good news.

But I’m not aloud to tell anyone yet, it’s still a secret.

shhhhhhh

But I can physically disassociate myself from that sensation. So I shall be sitting on my hands for the time being, waiting for that moment until I can tell the people I need to. Until I can tell you, because I want you to know. I want you to know  because it’s only because of you that it’s become a possibility. That the good news in my life is because you became a part of it.

It’s not to say that you were the only positive influence, there are people who deserve that praise, more than I can name here, but still, you’ve been my muse and I feel as though that deserve a special thanks. Thanks for the inspiration that you gave me, the confidence to move forward with something that had always terrified me, something that I’d shied away from, afraid of what it might reveal.

My week has otherwise been uneventful, except that I’ve made the decision to write to you now on a Thursday and Sunday. To space it out, to give me more time to reflect and to consider the world around me. To consider myself.

To consider the person I am now, the person I once was. To consider my love of books, of cats and of tea. To consider the plants that I’ve somehow managed to keep alive on my balcony. The kittens that demand my attention when I write. The work that I have to do other than this. The expectations I have to live up to.

My own expectations.

Still Saturday is fast approaching and I’m so excited for this month’s (Sol)Ace in Art, because it’s written by someone who’s taken a big step to be part of it and the gratitude at their honesty, is more than I’ll be able to be properly express. It’s going to be awesome and I’m so excited for it. Genuinely, more than I think they truly appreciate, which is fine too. This is my passion project, I’m just pulling them along for the journey and feeling grateful they’re being a part of it.

So forgive the earlier vagueness, in all of its deliberate nature and know that my hands are shaking, until I can reveal what news it is. For now, know that life has settled since last week. That my friend is out of hospital and recovering, that there is good news and that life is moving along.

xx

 

 

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