I’m not sure how to start this letter, there’s been a lot happening but at the same time I feel like there’s not much that I have to say, as if my brain has been a little bit overloaded by everything that’s happening. It’s cold here, but not too cold. Cold enough that your breath hangs in the air, but not cold enough to snuggle under the thick blankets on the bed. There’s a pond with ducks and lilies, but it’s not even close to being iced over. The sun is bright in the vibrant blue sky, and everything around here is green.
I want to like it more than I do. I like the people, I think the hills are beautiful, I’ve enjoyed meeting the dogs and cats, I like the weeping camellias, but I feel a bit lost here. As if there’s something stopping me from settling into it completely, something that makes me feel a little like I don’t belong.
There’s a small thought in the back of my head that I’m feeling like this because Eliza is so enthusiastic about it, that this is a bit of pushback on my part. That she’s over-hyped it and now I don’t like as much as I want to.
It’s not her fault. This is all me, I try not to be the person who behaves like this, because I find that attitude horrendous in others, but perhaps this is who I truly am. Too involved in my own thoughts to take others into consideration. Maybe it’s that Eliza has such structured views about how the world should work, that I want it to do something different just to surprise her.
To show her that it’s ok to just let things be.
Not to be worried about what houses people build, or what shops sell, or how people behave. That we can spend so much energy on that and never be able to change it. I’m too lazy to change it, so I don’t bother now. I want to experience the world as is, to be surprised and disappointed, but with me deciding which one of those will grip me.
Maybe it’s that lingering fear with Eliza that I’ll do something outside of how she sees the world and I’ll be so summarily dismissed. I know that’s not likely, but there’s still that hesitation.
Still the world here is slow, it’s beautiful and I do want to come back.
Even if it is to not quite belong here.