Home Again

Dear Dazai,

There’s a level of expectation that accompanies the return home. That moment that you walk through the door, you want a warmth and welcome that you’ve been craving since you left. You want to come home.

Sometimes though we don’t come home, we walk through the door and it’s as though the world that you left isn’t the same as you left it. As if there’s been a shift and something’s changed and you feel a little bit uneasy. It isn’t the kittens that you’ve missed terribly, because they’ve missed you just as much, but there’s a moment where you’re disappointed about the space you live in.

It’s old, it’s the same and it’s what it’s always been. Sure, you’ve got the steps to make it something new, but the job seems so big and you’ve made so many promises about self improvement while you’ve been away that it now seems like a mountain that’s far too tall and steep for you to ever conquer, the summit forever lost in clouds, so you’re not sure that it exists.

Then there’s the work you’ve come home to. You’re overjoyed that there’s been good responses to the work while you’ve been away, because you’re not cool enough to admit that you need it. That you need some validation for what you do, it’s too intimate to be ignored, but sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s seen by a few and you wonder what about that moment, that piece, is lesser than the one that came before it. What did you do differently this time to make it something that people aren’t engaging with it?

Then you start second guessing everything you do and you genuinely wonder if you made the right choice with all of this, if you’ve been anticipating something that’s never going to come your way. That it’s going to be you screaming into the abyss for all time, never hearing that echo back at you. Then you worry that you’ve revealed too much, how much is too honest at the end of the day? How much do you really want people to know about you?

How much do you need to keep for yourself?

Still, I have come home to a house that needs a change. I have come back with a sense of needing some change for myself. For something different, a new world order.

I need a new home.

Not a new address, or new kittens, or anything else, but a new home.

I need my own home.

xx

 

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