Challenge Deux : Somewhere along the line

Dear Dazai,

I’m feeling very uninspired this week. I’ve been feeling uninspired since last week, I know I mentioned that before. Still I’ve been trying to get some of the things I wanted done. That hasn’t gone as well as I’d like.

There’s going to be no rehashing of things here because honestly, despite the extended deadline I’m simply not going to get it done. What I am going to do is re-evaluate what I’ve done and the goals I set myself and see how I can avoid this for next time. What can I do differently to ensure that I won’t end up in this position again?

So I think the first thing I’m going to do is set myself some more concrete goals. These goals were a bit amorphous, and I made them that way, in the hopes that I’d achieve them when I didn’t have so much structure placed on me. That was a lie. Structure is apparently key to success here.

(Also my cat just tried to jump up onto his cat tree and missed spectacularly, I shouldn’t laugh but it’s really funny)

So moving forward, I’ve decided to make the next week I do this more structured, and I’ll make sure that I allow enough time for social interactions, because I feel those are important to include in my week, so that I’m not feeling overwhelmed. Also to know that lots of these things are encouragement to do more of things I love. And one of the things I love is spending time with the people who matter to me. They’re also wonders for my mental health, they leave me feeling refreshed and renewed even when I find that I have little motivation for other things.

I have tried to make some inroads into other things that I’ve been working on behind the scenes (the ones that I’m still remaining stupidly cryptic about, but I promise it won’t be for much longer!). I’m trying to make some inroads into what I want moving forward, the big picture as it will. It’s been stressful but I gather that’s normal in these circumstances and this is largely a result of my lingering anxiety about not having as clear plan about the future as I’d like. It’s a bit like having a map that has the X marked on it and nothing else, so it’s been some serious thought to plan my next moves.

Today also marks the official end of my time of my anti-anxiety medication. It’s been a long time coming, I’ve been on a very slow withdrawal to minimise any possible side effects, but I’ve still be concerned about it. So much so that it’s been a recurring feature in my dreams, me not being able to cope because I’m not on my meds anymore. This was my choice, it was what I wanted, because I was hoping to mark all the positive moves I’ve made by something concrete, something I could point to and say that ‘I did this’ and I’m proud of myself for that.

I’m also a bit terrified.

Still this is a day for celebration, I’ve been branching out. Trying to be seen and heard more than I have been. To be brave about it all, because honestly I still consistently suffer from a distinct nauseous feeling any time I post something that I’ve written and I suspect that in some ways that won’t ever leave me.

So this last week and a bit, has been a mixed bag of things. There’s been some good and bad, and lots of it is too early to know if it’s going to be one or the other at this stage. With that in mind, I’m going to keep a positive outlook moving forward and hopefully come out of it closer to the X on my map at the end of it.

Also I feel bad, because even though this was originally designed to be letters to help me work through my own anxiety, I never ask how anybody is who reads this. How has your week been? What are you currently working towards? What would you like to work towards? Let me know! I’d love to hear from you!



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