Wating Part II

Dear Dazai,

There’s an inevitable point I get to with my anxiousness. When I hold onto to it for so many days until my body finally speaks up, tells my brain that it can’t keep doing this and then I sleep. I sleep like the dead.

I might not have been doing anything physically strenuous but there’s the exhaustion from it, exhaustion that goes all the way down to my bones. One that makes any amount of sleep I get feel like not quite enough. As if the longing for it will be endless for all time.

It also means that I can’t be anxious about the thing that I was. Not that in the way that I was. It’s as if my body knows that it’s time for both of us to have a rest and it won’t take no for an answer. It encourages me not to worry about the email that may never come or the tweets that I’ve been obsessively watching, it is just what it is. I have no control over it now.

This is what I knew all along, it’s simply the first time that I haven’t been bothered by it. Not in that way, that way that’s too draining and too repetitive.

So I’m determined to change what I’m doing while I wait. I really want to get back to the two things I’m working on at the moment. The one serious one and the one less serious, but no less important. The one that I’ve been dreaming about writing and the one that I needed to write. I want to devote some serious time to the both of them.

I’m also going to continue on the epic task that is reorganising my place, made all the much bigger in recent times because I bought so many new books recently. I’ve read some of them but there’s so many more to read, and I’m looking forward to that too. I’m looking forward to the graphic novels, the comics, the poetry and the many novels that are sitting on my table at the moment. The ones that I’ll move so I can lie in bed and devour each one of them, kittens at my feet.

So while my anxiety may not have completely dissipated, it’s at a point where I can move past it. Where I can see it for what it is and work with it. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do and it’s what I worked so hard with my therapist to get to a point where I could achieve exactly this.

The waiting might not feel so good, but this definitely does.

I’m beginning to feel a bit more like me.

xx

 

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