Dear Dazai

I’m in my favourite Sydney tea shop at the moment (Zensation on Bourke St. if anyone is looking for a place to restore your soul). And honestly I’m feeling a little teary, not in a bad way, but definitely feeling a little overwhelmed.

I’ve spent most of the last ten days with Eliza and the days I haven’t spent with her I’ve spent curled up in bed feeling a little like hell. A cold doesn’t last very long but I’ll have a cough that rattles my consciousness for the foreseeable future.

I’m not good when I’m sick. Even when it’s only mild. I grumble and complain and hate the world, it’s a habit but I no longer know any other way.

Eliza and her mother are off at the hospital but I couldn’t bear to go in. Partly due to the fact that I have been sick and I don’t want to expose someone who’s just had major surgery to any potential lingering bugs and mostly because I don’t cope well with it.

All my hospital visits in the last few years have been for something big, something dramatic, and I’ve watched two grandparents die in one.

I had a bad relationship with them before this. I have a very bad relationship with them now.

That would seem to be the logical reason for the teary feeling but it’s not it. Not really.

I got a gift today which was so generous and kind, such a surprise and I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s such a lovely gesture and given with the best of intentions.

Now I have tea and a feeling of gratitude beyond what I had imagined.

I’m feeling like home.

xx