There’s a real vulnerability to putting yourself out there. A hesitation where you constantly ask yourself if what you’re doing is really the right thing. It’s worse when you have to keep doing it over and over, and even with the practise, it doesn’t always feel any easier. Sure, you might end up more polished, more impressive, but there’s the anxiousness each and every time.
That question: ‘Am I enough?’
It’s hard to get past it. For me, I’m sure there’s a good likelihood that I never will. That each time I’ll do it, I’ll keep asking myself that. It’s not even that I don’t believe in my own skill, in fact, when it comes to some things, I’m probably overconfident in it.
You don’t want to admit that though.
People don’t really want to hear that you’re as good as you might think you are. Sure, there’s an expectation that you’ll know what you’re doing, but it’s often seen as gauche and unpolished to be overconfident. As if you won’t ever live up to the portrait you’re painting of yourself.
It’s maybe why I’ve spent a great portion of adult life working towards being somewhat good at lots of things. That it was better to be widely capable because then you always had something else to fall back on, should the one thing you prided yourself on being never pan out. If there’s other things you can be confident about then you didn’t risk losing your self worth in one fell swoop.
So I’m at that point at the moment where I’m working towards lots of things, where I’m putting myself out there and trying to show people I can be good enough at that one thing. Because for most people, it won’t matter how good you are at other things, what matters to them in that moment, is how you good you are at that ONE thing.
And then you ask yourself that question again: ‘Am I good enoug?’