Knowledge

Dear Dazai,

I have a lot of flaws, I’ll admit it. One that often comes to the fore is me hating being told what I think or feel. Especially by people who are important in my life.

Part of my issue with this is that I place a lot of importance in people paying attention to things about me. I’m not going to care how flashy a gift is if it’s something I would simply never want and the person never gave any thought as to what I might like. My therapist explains my annoyance at this because this is how I show affection. I pay attention to people, I make note of things about them and make an effort to listen to what they have to say.

Which is interesting because this post is really about me being pissed off about having to do exactly that. In my defence, it’s different when it’s about me rather than them.

I was talking to Persephone the other day (small note before I continue, I was already in a weird mood so this isn’t totally on her), and we were talking about things we were watching. She then began to tell me about what ‘people on the internet’ thought about the thing that I was watching, and I disagreed. That’s fine too, we’re allowed to disagree, but then she tried to explain to me why these people might have a clearer view than me on it and I got annoyed. Annoyed because she hasn’t watched this and I didn’t want to hear random opinions on the matter.

I then got annoyed because she thought I was trying to convince her to watch it, which, yeah, I was a bit, but honestly, I was just hoping to have someone to talk to about it because I was feeling a bit emotional and I didn’t quite know what to do with it. I don’t know if anything she said would have been the right thing but I didn’t want to be told what I was trying to say.

She then began talking about why certain characters appeal to me (for anyone who’s interested it’s usually a rogue with a heart of gold and is incredibly loyal) and she insisted that my type was the ‘bad boy’. Which despite not being accurate, doesn’t describe a lot of the characters she was using as examples. A character that’s a flirt isn’t automatically a ‘bad boy’ because they’re a flirt. We’ve had this conversation in the past and it annoyed me just as much then.

I know this isn’t her issue as much as it is mine, I want people to pay as much attention to the things I say as I do to them. I feel hurt when they don’t. But that’s something I need to work on as much as anything, because it’s something I place most importance on but it doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t care. They just care about something different.

I wasn’t expecting to end this on such a positive note.

xx

 

P.S. THE PLAN is still in action, I’ve just had quite a few things to do these last few weeks and I’ve been bad and started a couple of books without finishing them. I’ll get back to it ASAP.

 

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