Obligations

Dear Dazai,

Sometimes there’s a moment in our lives where we’re obliged to do things we wish we weren’t. Being the selfish creatures that we are, we often forget that the world is not egocentric. That our experiences are not the only ones that we need to keep in mind.

With the holidays fast approaching, we have these moments, where no matter how anxious we are, or how limited our supply of spoons is, we have things we have to do. It’s really hard and if I’m honest, this time of year makes me anxious. Really anxious.

This is because I’ve been raised with the central core of who I am is that I don’t speak up when I’m uncomfortable, because I’m concerned that I won’t be able to take it back. After all, my dad taught me that it won’t matter how many times you apologise, once you’ve said the words or done the thing, you’ll never be able to undo it.

So I bite my tongue. ALWAYS.

I’ll be seething with rage, angry beyond all belief, and sitting and I’ll sit, looking at the person causing me this distress and smiling. Because I can’t say anything. It’s physical. It’s a prison of my own making. Bonds that I can’t fight.

So in preparation for this, I’m trying to focus on the good things, the good people, the people I love, the things that make me happy. I might not be able to dismiss my obligations, or remove myself from them but I don’t have to let them define my experience of the holidays.

And if they do, I’ll come home and cuddle kittens, and now that some things are always going to be alright.

xx


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