Appearances

Dear Dazai,

There’s an old story about a man in London, some centuries ago, Terribly sad he goes to the doctor to see what can be done and the doctor suggests going to see the famous clown in town to cheer himself up.

I’m sure most people would have heard this story at some point. Enough to know that the punchline is that the man who brings joy to so many others is actually desperately sad in and of himself.

I think what most people don’t assume is that it’s often really positive for us to be the person who brings others joy. Especially if we’re not feeling it ourselves. It seems counterintuitive but there’s something so fulfilling to being someone that can be a positive influence in someone’s life when we don’t feel positive.

I’m not sad. But I am a bit meh. I’m feeling easily overwhelmed and my brain has been working a bit overtime at the moment trying to juggle things. Which apparently I’m doing really well at because everyone’s been commenting on how well I’m doing at the moment.

The sentiment is positive but it doesn’t feel right.

It doesn’t feel right to be praised for something that you feel like you’re not actually doing. Or something that you’re doing because you’re trying to divert attention away from yourself. Sometimes it’s really easy to have things line up when it feels like nothing much matters.

I don’t really want to publish this, but I told my therapist that I would try to do more of this moving forward. Because writing these are helpful, so I’ll likely hit that button even though I don’t want to.

Til next time.

xx

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